We were listening to some Heavy Metal in the weight room. And he said something to the effect of , "I love him as a singer, but he weighs about 150 pounds, doesn't lift and you know that he can't fight." I was like, "Oh man, I have felt like that forever!" Then I asked, "Has he served in the military?"
"No, he's a beanpole. Pepper James Keenan has, you know the Tool guy?"
"Okay, he passes."
"And he does jiu jitsu. So double pass."
And then I thought about it, about my unbridled prejudice regarding not reading anyone, listening to anyone singing,watching movies or tv shows or basically respecting anyone "famous" unless they have:
Served in the Military
Trained with weights
Fought (Any type: MMA, boxing, Muay Thai, one freaking street fight, Jiu Jitsu, anything combative where your life is in danger)
Hunted and fished (not just camping or hiking)
I'll be all into a band and then read an interview with the lead singer and he will talk about synchronized swimming being his favorite sport and I will ban them from my music. So shallow.
Like, I can't force myself to watch the new Motley Crue movie on Netflix. I mean, I have listened to some Crue before I became close-minded, but now I'm like, why do they get a movie about them? Like, they were wild, right? Oh, so wild. C'mon, picture Tommy Lee squatting 315. Good Gawd, it would break his tiny little legs in half!
 |
| Tommy Lee |
Clint Eastwood. No question. Military, lifts, used to box. Shoe in.
Metallica. Negative. They shop on Rodeo Drive. Is one of them doing Jiu Jitsu? They can get in if one is. Maybe more, Lars is real soft. He and Tommy Lee should lock themselves in the weight room for years. A couple of cots and jars of peanut butter and gallons of milk. Postscript- Hetfield (lead singer) hunts. Pass.
Hemingway. He boxed, fished and made himself one of the greatest fishermen the world has ever seen. Hunted, drank like a fish. Also got blown up in World War I. He passes with flying colors.
 |
| Hemingway pounding whiskey after a duck hunt |
Phil Anselmo. The Pantera frontman has boxed and is a boxing historian. He passes.
AC DC. Damn, I don't think that any of them pass. Okay, one exception. They are the exception.
Led Zeppelin. Oooh, man. Fail.
Van Halen. David Lee Roth lived in Japan and practiced martial arts. They pass, although the others need to join Tommy Lee and Lars.
Stallone. Boxed, lifts. Pass.
 |
| And trained by Franco Columbo |
Hunter S. Thompson. He played football in high school, didn't he? And hunted, too. He passes.
Any self- help guru. Tony Robbins may lift, though. Ok, he has a weight room in his house. He says his routine last like 10 minutes. I'm gonna fail him, I don't believe it.
Lady Gaga.
Any of the Kardashian or housewife shows. Fail.
Adam Sandler. Waterboy. Funniest football movie ever. But did you see The Longest Yard? As my college coach used to say about sorry players, "He couldn't play dead in a cowboy movie." He ain't no Burt Reynolds (who passes. R.I.P)
Jimmy Hendrix. Passes, military.
You get the picture. It has made my life difficult, always looking up backgrounds on people before I can like them. But it is part of me, and I cannot seem to shake it.
